I’d slit my wrists
and bleed out on your floor
just because I know red
is your favourite colour
I’d douse myself in kerosene
and light a match
because I know
you can’t stand the cold
I’d put a bullet in my brain
if you told me
that you like the sound
of a gunshot
But I still can’t accept
that maybe
I’ve been loving you
in all the wrong ways
maybe one day you’ll
say it back and all these years
won’t have been wasted
By day
one hand works
to bridge the gap
between the reality
of the situation
and the fantasy
that lives
in my head
By night
the other hand
works to tear it down
because it knows that,
for all my smiles
and speeches
of understanding,
I am still not ready
to see the other side
I count my I-love-yous
like I count stars,
whispering a string of numbers
and praying for an answer
But just like you, the night sky
remains silent
After the second time you snuck into my heart,
I wish I had remembered
to dig you out from under my skin
so I wouldn’t have to spend so many years
trying to deny how much I enjoy
the way you chip away at my defenses
with your icepick smile
You broke my faith in my gods
the same way you broke my back
under the weight of all your indecision,
and now they’re nothing to me,
just a handful of foreign names
and meaningless words I whisper in the dark
while I wait for you to call
I could swallow my pride
and chase it with little pills
that would make life seem worth it,
but I’m not thoroughly convinced
that mental health and emotional stability
are worth sacrificing every 6am
spent filling pages with ink
by the shaky glow of a dying flashlight
“If you’re going through hell,
keep going”
is what they said to me
while they were sitting
in an air-conditioned room
crushing ice chips
between perfect teeth
And though it is sometimes tempting,
it’s been years since she
has raced any knife across her flesh,
ever since the day she realized
that such energy would be better spent
on someone she actually loved
I’m beginning to wonder
if I am truly happy,
or if I’ve just
gotten used to
the emptiness
i tried to drown my demons
in warm sweet rum
not taking into account
that they might like the taste
and so now we drink together
long into the lonely night
because it turns out
that even they have got
demons of their own
While you were sleeping
peacefully beside me,
I sewed our souls together,
and now you’re as much a part of me
as the lips I use to kiss you
and the hands I run through your hair
and the feet that will one day
lead me down a narrow aisle
to where you’ll be waiting
under a white, flowered arch
And I only hope you know
that if I found a way
to steal all your pain
and misery and self-hatred
and transfer it to myself,
I wouldn’t hesitate
I would bear all manner
of torture—of darkness,
of pure, unrelenting evil—
for you, and willingly,
if there were a way,
so you could find
the will to smile
the way you used to,
while I, without regrets,
burned alive
from the inside
there’s something
about a women
in a floral print dress
and torn stockings
and combat boots
who stains
the filter
of her cigarettes
with dark red lipstick
and whose eyes
are ringed
with both makeup
and a lack of sleep
if her hair
is hacked unevenly
hanging down
to kiss her collarbones
or she looks at me
with the desperation
of someone searching
for the kindness
of a stranger
i will
without fail
fall in love
and years later
when i’ve forgotten
the colour of her eyes
or the way her back
straightened so slightly
to stand at attention
i will still remember her
the way she was
and i will wonder
if she could have
loved me too
if i bothered
to stop
and give her
what she was
silently
begging me for
It’s been five long years
since I drove 200 miles
to see a show,
thinking the distance
would keep me safe,
telling myself
there was no way
I’d see you there
so far from home
Five long years, but I remember
that your eye,
widened in surprise,
caught mine
for just a moment
before I looked down
and ran away,
torn between happiness
and despair
by the realization
that for better or worse
our lives were undeniably
entwined
and for having
such a duplicitous soul
i do go on at length
about love and light
i wonder how
you haven’t yet noticed
that i am a liar
acting on whim
and emotion
and any passing fancy
because my conscience
depends solely
on whether or not
i could be caught
If I were to meet the Devil,
I hope his eyes would stray from mine
to run down my body, taking in every detail
The curve of my neck,
the sharp angle of my hips,
all laid bare and presented to him
in a brazen, unspoken offer
I hope he would not kiss me
with the gentle passion of a lover,
but with fierce rage, determination and fire,
burning me, consuming me whole
as his forked tongue danced with mine
in time with some silent, chaotic rhythm
If wicked talons caught on my clothes,
shredding them without care,
and my back met the wall with just enough force
to assert unquestionable dominance,
I would not beg for his mercy
I am not so foolish to think I would find any,
if I even had an interest in searching
Perhaps I would then encourage him
with a few well-timed moans
or my leg snaking around his waist
or the shiver I wouldn’t bother to suppress,
inspired by the mouth on my breast
and the nails raking up my thigh
as cold, unforgiving brick digs into my spine
I would hope to see those ancient black eyes,
half-lidded with desire and shining in the alley light,
fluttering closed for just a moment
as my hand wrapped around his length
But even if he groaned
as I stroked and pulled him closer
and leaned up, greedy for another searing kiss,
it could not, I suspect, be taken as a victory
And I would be proven right
when those eyes reopened and bored through me
before, with inhuman speed, I was spun
to find rough stones biting at my cheek,
strong hands securing my wrists above my head,
as that pulsing need, that desperate emptiness,
was slowly, finally filled
If I tried not to gasp with satisfaction
and deep, unashamed approval,
I know I would fail
I hope those vicious fingers
would claw down my back, grip firmly at my hips,
set a steady pace between my thighs
I hope sharp teeth would meet my neck,
and a hot tongue would lap at the wounds they left
I hope he would never relent,
never take care or hold back
until he’s had his fill of me
Yes, when I meet the Devil,
I will do whatever it takes
to ensure he accepts what I offer
My only wish is that this sin
and the resulting stain on my soul
would be so dark as to catch God’s attention
and incur all His holy wrath
With any luck, my plan will prove successful
and His eye will stray long just enough
to allow you even one moment of peace
I fell
not gracefully,
but easily,
and shamefully so,
from atop my tower
where I thought
of all the evils
I knew myself
capable,
it would not be this
I thought
it would never
be this
But it was
and it is
So I sit
with wings
self-broken
begging for a miracle
that only I
can bestow
and that I
continuously
deny
because I love
the sin
but not the sinner
Others tell me
I use the word too often,
but I don’t care
I love you
I love the things you say
when no one’s paying attention
I love how unashamedly passionate you are
about the little things in life
I love that you aren’t afraid
to show that you’re fragile
And I will never want to kiss you
or lay you down on my bed
or put a ring on your finger,
but I love you
and everything you are
as a person, as a presence in my life,
as a shining star and a reminder
that there is still beauty in this world
